Back on track (sort of).
I visited the gym a while ago, and I could really get used to going there. The problem is just same as ever - who would come with me? I’m a social mover, people!
I guess I just have to suck it up until it becomes a habit. That’s easier said than done, but I’ll try my best. And speaking of which, I just saw a few episodes of Stuck, and this Maxine said something that hit me. Her words were so true and I just had this huge realization.
I don’t remember her exact words, but she was talking about being “the best me”.
And if you’re not the best you, how can you be a best friend, best mother, etc…
She really said it.
Why can’t I be a best friend? Because I’m not the best me yet. I’m not comfortable with myself and I have too low self-esteem. I have to learn how to be the best me just for me, before I can be that to anyone else.
I need to get out of my shell. I need to learn how to be me and let other people see the real me as well. I have to stop hiding. So, from words to action, eh?
Here are just few things I need to learn:
1. To get comfortable around lots of people (that often happens and I become so retiring)
2. Speak up when have something to say (I always think about saying something, but never do)
3. Walk with high heels (I just want to learn that so I can wear pretty shoes!)
4. Stop over-thinking (I do that a lot. It stops me actually getting something done)
Next week will be last week at the clothing store, so after that I still have almost a month to make a progress. I’m already terrified thinking about school. I used to love school. Now I just feel anguished, like I couldn’t breathe. My friends have been making new friends (a talent I used to have) and I feel like I’m becoming an outsider.
Still, I have decided that I’m not going to Panic (You heard about their break up? Ryan and Jon leaving the band? Shocking, and more than just Pretty odd.) over it until a week before the first day.
Next Saturday will be consecrated on shopping. I really, badly do need new clothes. And since I’m trying to change, I decided to try something new. More colorful, maybe. Something I like and feel comfortable in.
Well, we'll see. Today it's just an absolutely-no-life -day, relaxing and getting ready for the next week.
Smile,
-EJ
Mood: Tired
Music: Taking Back Sunday - I'll Let You Live
28.6.09
"You're cutting hearts from paper"
During these past weeks I just forgot about me.
I heard some worrying news from my friend and it felt like someone had just hit me in the stomach. Everything else felt so meaningless. Every struggle I’ve ever had - nothing. I felt awfully foppish and small worrying about my weight and attitude while she was going through something awful.
If I had only known.
I guess we all lose our faith sometimes. It hits some of us harder than the others. You just have to stand up and look your fear in the eyes. Face it.
Now that I feel hurt for my friend, there’s no reason for me to not wallow in self-pity.
Today alone.
I haven’t made that much of progress and I’m getting setbacks every other day. I feel like everyone’s there to get me; when someone offers me an ice cream and I turn it down, someone’s suggesting that we should go and eat some junk food. Hello, I’m trying to change my life here.
I guess I haven’t made that clear enough.
I’m working in a clothing store for now, I was asked to step in as a replacement. It’s an okay job, the working atmosphere is positive and the people are all very pleasant.
It’s just the fact that I usually work alone in the backroom and I can only keep my hands busy - my mind, on the other hand, has way too much free time. I’m constantly pondering about my life and my relationship, about me. I ask these questions almost unwittingly and find answers I wouldn’t like to know.
Plus, my vacation is almost over and I feel like I’ve got nothing done. Nothing!
Soon I’ll be sitting on a school bench, trying to keep my eyes open during a math class. I have to make a difference before that. I need to change, because now it should be easier than ever. In school everything just gets twice as hard.
I’m strongly contemplating about going outside, walking or so. It’s + 25 (Celsius degrees - which is something like 77 Fahrenheit) degrees out there, so for a Finn, that’s hot.
Well, you have to do, what you have to do, right? I’ll just put some music on…that should give my mind a rest.
Enjoy your summer; you’re never getting it back.
- EJ
Mood: Overwhelmed
Music: Telegraph - Your First Love is Dead
I heard some worrying news from my friend and it felt like someone had just hit me in the stomach. Everything else felt so meaningless. Every struggle I’ve ever had - nothing. I felt awfully foppish and small worrying about my weight and attitude while she was going through something awful.
If I had only known.
I guess we all lose our faith sometimes. It hits some of us harder than the others. You just have to stand up and look your fear in the eyes. Face it.
Now that I feel hurt for my friend, there’s no reason for me to not wallow in self-pity.
Today alone.
I haven’t made that much of progress and I’m getting setbacks every other day. I feel like everyone’s there to get me; when someone offers me an ice cream and I turn it down, someone’s suggesting that we should go and eat some junk food. Hello, I’m trying to change my life here.
I guess I haven’t made that clear enough.
I’m working in a clothing store for now, I was asked to step in as a replacement. It’s an okay job, the working atmosphere is positive and the people are all very pleasant.
It’s just the fact that I usually work alone in the backroom and I can only keep my hands busy - my mind, on the other hand, has way too much free time. I’m constantly pondering about my life and my relationship, about me. I ask these questions almost unwittingly and find answers I wouldn’t like to know.
Plus, my vacation is almost over and I feel like I’ve got nothing done. Nothing!
Soon I’ll be sitting on a school bench, trying to keep my eyes open during a math class. I have to make a difference before that. I need to change, because now it should be easier than ever. In school everything just gets twice as hard.
I’m strongly contemplating about going outside, walking or so. It’s + 25 (Celsius degrees - which is something like 77 Fahrenheit) degrees out there, so for a Finn, that’s hot.
Well, you have to do, what you have to do, right? I’ll just put some music on…that should give my mind a rest.
Enjoy your summer; you’re never getting it back.
- EJ
Mood: Overwhelmed
Music: Telegraph - Your First Love is Dead
17.6.09
"You can be the distance in between"
It’s 8:47 pm and the chocolate craving won’t go away.
I’ve been living really healthily compared to the way I used to live. I’m happy with the way I’ve made decisions and stick to them as best as I can. I already feel that I’ve changed my life for the better. I’m only in the very beginning of my road, but I already notice small differences.
It’s a bit easier to get up and going and I hope that one day it’ll be just a part of my life, a healthy habit.
Anyway, I’m going to bake. I love to bake and I haven’t done it in a long time and now I really, really have to bake. I was thinking about making a chocolate cake, maybe try a new recipe.
I’m not sure how much time I’ll have on my hands so I think I’m just going to bake something easy. And very chocolatey.
I’ve been living really healthily compared to the way I used to live. I’m happy with the way I’ve made decisions and stick to them as best as I can. I already feel that I’ve changed my life for the better. I’m only in the very beginning of my road, but I already notice small differences.
It’s a bit easier to get up and going and I hope that one day it’ll be just a part of my life, a healthy habit.
Anyway, I’m going to bake. I love to bake and I haven’t done it in a long time and now I really, really have to bake. I was thinking about making a chocolate cake, maybe try a new recipe.
I’m not sure how much time I’ll have on my hands so I think I’m just going to bake something easy. And very chocolatey.
- EJ
Mood:
Music: You Me At Six - Jealous Minds Think Alike
"Well open up your mind and see like me"
Phew.
Yesterday was a rather long day, but I was so happy when my head hit the pillow.
I stuck to my healthy diet all day; I’ve been eating more veggies than before and I have learned (still kinda learning, though) to eat regularly.
On top of the healthy eating, I also warmed up by jogging and cycled quite a lot after that.
So, altogether I exercised enough for one day, and it felt good to be out (even though it was raining, so I’m progressing) and get out of breath.
I made a playlist especially for jogging and exercising. I tried to find songs that turn out to be uplifting and energetic, and I did find a bunch of them. I just need to here something fresh and funny to keep me going. Here’s the playlist:
1. Girlfriend - Avril Lavigne
2. Harder to Breathe - Maroon 5
3. I Don’t Need a Man - The Pussycat Dolls
4. I Kissed a Girl - Katy Perry
5. Since U Been Gone - Kelly Clarkson
6. U and Ur Hand - Pink
7. Walk Away - Kelly Clarkson
8. Waking Up in Vegas - Katy Perry
9. Suddenly I See - KT Tunstall
It’s funny that this is the kind of music that I rarely listen to otherwise. Though I just love the song Suddenly I See, because I think there’s such a good vibe in that song. It makes me smile (and jog just a little more!).
I’m suffering from a headache at the moment, and I consider it to be a bit ironic. Why? Because my wish came true and the sun is finally shining from the cloudless sky - I just can’t enjoy it ‘cause it just makes my headache worse. Yay for that.
Now I feel like baking. That means I need to come up with a distraction. Otherwise I’ll end up baking something extra chocolatey and probably eat it by myself. Thank gosh my team has soccer match in two hours, so that’ll do it.
Take care.
- EJ
Mood: Headachey
Music: Jason Mraz - I’m Yours
Yesterday was a rather long day, but I was so happy when my head hit the pillow.
I stuck to my healthy diet all day; I’ve been eating more veggies than before and I have learned (still kinda learning, though) to eat regularly.
On top of the healthy eating, I also warmed up by jogging and cycled quite a lot after that.
So, altogether I exercised enough for one day, and it felt good to be out (even though it was raining, so I’m progressing) and get out of breath.
I made a playlist especially for jogging and exercising. I tried to find songs that turn out to be uplifting and energetic, and I did find a bunch of them. I just need to here something fresh and funny to keep me going. Here’s the playlist:
1. Girlfriend - Avril Lavigne
2. Harder to Breathe - Maroon 5
3. I Don’t Need a Man - The Pussycat Dolls
4. I Kissed a Girl - Katy Perry
5. Since U Been Gone - Kelly Clarkson
6. U and Ur Hand - Pink
7. Walk Away - Kelly Clarkson
8. Waking Up in Vegas - Katy Perry
9. Suddenly I See - KT Tunstall
It’s funny that this is the kind of music that I rarely listen to otherwise. Though I just love the song Suddenly I See, because I think there’s such a good vibe in that song. It makes me smile (and jog just a little more!).
I’m suffering from a headache at the moment, and I consider it to be a bit ironic. Why? Because my wish came true and the sun is finally shining from the cloudless sky - I just can’t enjoy it ‘cause it just makes my headache worse. Yay for that.
Now I feel like baking. That means I need to come up with a distraction. Otherwise I’ll end up baking something extra chocolatey and probably eat it by myself. Thank gosh my team has soccer match in two hours, so that’ll do it.
Take care.
- EJ
Mood: Headachey
Music: Jason Mraz - I’m Yours
15.6.09
"Oh, wicked Monday"
Mondays.
How could I describe them? Nothing ever goes as planned. That’s a fact. My Mondays never stick to my plans! That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but still. Like today, I was going to help my older relative to clean her flat. I thought that would be my exercise for today. But when I got there, it turned out that she didn’t really mean cleaning but lifting and moving stuff like shoeboxes around.
I didn’t even break a sweat.
While being there I got a call from my mom who reminded me that my grandpa’s birthday is today. Of course I had forgotten all about it. So after not-even-breaking-a-sweat -cleaning I went to my grandparents’ house and there were obviously goodies on offer.
Some savouries and Dominos were enough to make my mouth water.
Of course I had to try!
The birthday party went on and on…
It wasn’t a drag, but I was too much concentrated on my problems. Well, problems and problems. Anyway, it was fun at first, we all get along very well so we chatted and had some cake (I don’t like layer cakes - at least not plain and conventional ones.) with coffee (again, not me).
But then, suddenly the conversation was all about the Christmas. All I could think of was; Hello, it’s summer - regardless of the rain and cold. Why are we talking about Christmas?
I love Christmas, but hey, let’s enjoy the summer first.
I think I’m going to try jogging tomorrow, yes, once again. Eventually I’ll get it right.
I’m just hoping it won’t rain tomorrow, because frankly, rain sucks. At least for now, when it should be sunny. My biggest fear is that it’s going to rain and I’ll stay indoors watching a movie.
Sigh.
Wishing for a better weather,
- EJ
Mood: Rather unsatisfied
Music: Imogen Heap - Goodnight and Go
How could I describe them? Nothing ever goes as planned. That’s a fact. My Mondays never stick to my plans! That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but still. Like today, I was going to help my older relative to clean her flat. I thought that would be my exercise for today. But when I got there, it turned out that she didn’t really mean cleaning but lifting and moving stuff like shoeboxes around.
I didn’t even break a sweat.
While being there I got a call from my mom who reminded me that my grandpa’s birthday is today. Of course I had forgotten all about it. So after not-even-breaking-a-sweat -cleaning I went to my grandparents’ house and there were obviously goodies on offer.
Some savouries and Dominos were enough to make my mouth water.
Of course I had to try!
The birthday party went on and on…
It wasn’t a drag, but I was too much concentrated on my problems. Well, problems and problems. Anyway, it was fun at first, we all get along very well so we chatted and had some cake (I don’t like layer cakes - at least not plain and conventional ones.) with coffee (again, not me).
But then, suddenly the conversation was all about the Christmas. All I could think of was; Hello, it’s summer - regardless of the rain and cold. Why are we talking about Christmas?
I love Christmas, but hey, let’s enjoy the summer first.
I think I’m going to try jogging tomorrow, yes, once again. Eventually I’ll get it right.
I’m just hoping it won’t rain tomorrow, because frankly, rain sucks. At least for now, when it should be sunny. My biggest fear is that it’s going to rain and I’ll stay indoors watching a movie.
Sigh.
Wishing for a better weather,
- EJ
Mood: Rather unsatisfied
Music: Imogen Heap - Goodnight and Go
14.6.09
"Back from nowhere"
It has been an awesome weekend and I’m finally back home! So, I was in this tournament with bunch of 11-year-olds (oh, I train a soccer team - I’m the second trainer in our team) and it was much more fun than I thought it would be. I mean, 15 loud and more or less talkative girls all in the same room for three days. I have to admit, I had my doubts. However, it turned out to be amazing.
The girls behaved themselves and they’re sweet girls anyway, so everything went smoothly.
We had to walk to sports ground a few times every day, 15 minutes back and forth. I also had to give the girls a piggyback rides so my arms are really sore. Though I guess I was exercising without even knowing it, so that’s definitely a plus. Exercising should be fun.
Now, I bought some chocolate today thus resorting to my vice number 1: eating out of habit.
I didn’t really even want to eat chocolate, but since I had it I thought I just as well might eat it.
And now I’m regretting.
But I also want to move ahead and forget about this already. I know I’m going to move tomorrow and I know that everyone makes mistakes (some more often than others) and that I’m still only starting this lifestyle renovation.
I was thinking about checking out some pilates moves, ‘cause I’ve always been interested in yoga and so on. I already used Youtube (my friend since ‘05) and watched some clips that people had sent there. It looked really interesting and I can see myself doing it on a regular basis.
I only scratched the surface of it, though.
I’m pretty exhausted now, so I’m just going straight to bed and sleep at least till 10.
I can get up early on Tuesday, but tomorrow I’m just going to recover from the trip, stretch myself out and help my relative to clean up her flat (now that should do the exercising -part).
Night, night.
- EJ
Mood: Tired but chuffed
Music: Taking Back Sunday - Bonus Moshpit Pt. 2
The girls behaved themselves and they’re sweet girls anyway, so everything went smoothly.
We had to walk to sports ground a few times every day, 15 minutes back and forth. I also had to give the girls a piggyback rides so my arms are really sore. Though I guess I was exercising without even knowing it, so that’s definitely a plus. Exercising should be fun.
Now, I bought some chocolate today thus resorting to my vice number 1: eating out of habit.
I didn’t really even want to eat chocolate, but since I had it I thought I just as well might eat it.
And now I’m regretting.
But I also want to move ahead and forget about this already. I know I’m going to move tomorrow and I know that everyone makes mistakes (some more often than others) and that I’m still only starting this lifestyle renovation.
I was thinking about checking out some pilates moves, ‘cause I’ve always been interested in yoga and so on. I already used Youtube (my friend since ‘05) and watched some clips that people had sent there. It looked really interesting and I can see myself doing it on a regular basis.
I only scratched the surface of it, though.
I’m pretty exhausted now, so I’m just going straight to bed and sleep at least till 10.
I can get up early on Tuesday, but tomorrow I’m just going to recover from the trip, stretch myself out and help my relative to clean up her flat (now that should do the exercising -part).
Night, night.
- EJ
Mood: Tired but chuffed
Music: Taking Back Sunday - Bonus Moshpit Pt. 2
11.6.09
"Chocolate. No chocolate. Chocolate.."
A significant happening took place today.
I went to my corner store (that wasn’t it). I bought some clementines and strawberries, when suddenly I realized that I was standing in front of the candy section.
There I saw my number one vice: chocolate. I’ve been eating really healthfully this week (excluding the relapse on Monday) and suddenly all I could think of was the chocolate. I could taste it in my mouth and my mind was replaying recipes which included chocolate. “I could make brownies. Or this chocolate cake I love. Or how about cupcakes?“
And then a miracle happened. I walked pass the chocolate. I totally ignored the chocolate.
How great am I?
Talking of chocolate, I think it’s time to make a list about my vices. You know, so I could start getting rid of them or replace them somehow.
Vices:
1. Eating out of habit (If there’s something tasty on offer, I’ll take it even if I’m not hungry or really doesn’t even want to)
2. Chocolate (and other goodies, since I love to bake)
3. Negative thinking (“I can’t-”, “There’s no point-” and other whining)
4. Couch potatoeing (Being utterly lazy instead of doing anything useful)
5. Self-discipline (Which is unfortunately the key to everything)
I think I’m making a progress what comes to eating out of habit.
My self-discipline has improved a notch. We’re not talking about a world-shaking improvement, but noticeable. I can say no to some things already, but I often find myself lying on a couch when I should be doing something rather obligatory.
I’ll be away the whole weekend from Friday morning to Sunday afternoon. I won’t be able to send new posts, which is sad in a way, ‘cause this is sort of a diary for me.
But, as we look at the bright sides we see that it may do some good to have a change of scenery.
I won’t be able to use the computer, watch the TV, or go to the store and buy 20 kilos of chocolate.
So it’s all good.
Enjoy the upcoming weekend sweeties.
- EJ
Mood: Chocolatey
Music: Taking Back Sunday - A Decade Under the Influence
I went to my corner store (that wasn’t it). I bought some clementines and strawberries, when suddenly I realized that I was standing in front of the candy section.
There I saw my number one vice: chocolate. I’ve been eating really healthfully this week (excluding the relapse on Monday) and suddenly all I could think of was the chocolate. I could taste it in my mouth and my mind was replaying recipes which included chocolate. “I could make brownies. Or this chocolate cake I love. Or how about cupcakes?“
And then a miracle happened. I walked pass the chocolate. I totally ignored the chocolate.How great am I?
Talking of chocolate, I think it’s time to make a list about my vices. You know, so I could start getting rid of them or replace them somehow.
Vices:
1. Eating out of habit (If there’s something tasty on offer, I’ll take it even if I’m not hungry or really doesn’t even want to)
2. Chocolate (and other goodies, since I love to bake)
3. Negative thinking (“I can’t-”, “There’s no point-” and other whining)
4. Couch potatoeing (Being utterly lazy instead of doing anything useful)
5. Self-discipline (Which is unfortunately the key to everything)
I think I’m making a progress what comes to eating out of habit.
My self-discipline has improved a notch. We’re not talking about a world-shaking improvement, but noticeable. I can say no to some things already, but I often find myself lying on a couch when I should be doing something rather obligatory.
I’ll be away the whole weekend from Friday morning to Sunday afternoon. I won’t be able to send new posts, which is sad in a way, ‘cause this is sort of a diary for me.
But, as we look at the bright sides we see that it may do some good to have a change of scenery.
I won’t be able to use the computer, watch the TV, or go to the store and buy 20 kilos of chocolate.
So it’s all good.
Enjoy the upcoming weekend sweeties.
- EJ
Mood: Chocolatey
Music: Taking Back Sunday - A Decade Under the Influence
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